Diet story

I found a diet you might want to try. It is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds constantly! Enjoy!!

BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz skimmed milk
LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
MID AFTERNOON SNACK
rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints of rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream
DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 milky way candy bars
LATE EVENING SNACK
Entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from freezer
RULES FOR THIS DIET
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as brandy, hot chocolate and Sara Lee cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots,Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories--the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies and popsicles.

Spoof text?? The Perfect Husband?

The Perfect Husband?
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$80,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

Understanding Types of Text

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone is???!!!"

Spoof text?? Penguin In The Park

Penguin In The Park

Once a man was walking in a park when he across a penguin. He took it to a policeman and said; "What should I do?" The policeman replied; "Take it to the zoo!".
The next day, the policeman saw the man in the same park. The man was still carrying the penguin. The policeman was rather surprised and walked up to the man and asked; "Why are you still carrying the penguin? Didn't you take it to the zoo?" The man replied; "I certainly did. And it was a great idea because the penguin really enjoyed it. So, today I am taking it to the movie".

Spoof text?? Honey, What's For Supper?

Honey, What's For Supper?
An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

“Here's what you do,” said the doctor. “Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, “I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, “Honey, what's for supper?”
No response.

Understanding Types of Text

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what's for supper?”
Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what's for supper?”
Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. “Honey, what's for supper?”
Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what's for supper?”
“Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!”

Spoof text?? Nasreddin’s Coat

Nasreddin’s Coat

One day Nasreddin had been invited to the dinner party. He went to the party by wearing old clothes.

When he arrived in the party, nobody looked at him and nobody gave him a seat. He got no food in the party so he went home and change his clothes

Next he put on his best clothes. He wore his newest coat and went to the party again. The host at once got up and came to meet him. The host offered him the best table and gave him a good seat and served him the best food

Nasreddin sat and put off his coat. He put his coat and said; “Eat the food, Coat!” the hosts and guests were very surprised and asked Nareddin; “What are doing?” Nasreddin replied calmly; “When I came here with my old clothes, nobody looked at me. Then I went home and put on my best clothes. I came back in my newest coat and you all give me this best food and drink. So, you give food to my coat instead of me”. Getting Nasreddin's answer, they just shook the head. 

Spoof text ??That Phone Is Off

That Phone Is Off

Soon after he left college, Dave found one of his uncles who was very rich and had no children of his own died and left him a lot of money, so he decided to set up his own real estate agency.

Dave found a nice office. He bought some new furniture and moved in. he had only been there for e few hours when he heard someone coming toward the door of his office.

“It must be my first customer” Dave thought. He quickly picked up the telephone and pretended to be very busy answering an important call from someone in New York who wanted to buy a big and expensive house in the country.

The man knocked at the door while this was going on. He came in and waited politely for Dave to finish his conversation on the phone. Then the man said to Dave; “I am from the telephone company and I was sent here to connect your telephone”